What’s up BB? So my problem is I have 3 girlfriends. I’m not bragging or joking. They don’t know about each other. I’m going crazy. I really like all three. What should I do?
Exhausted.
Hey, Exhausted, you gotta give me a city, and the first letter of it has to rhyme with the first letter of your fake name. Like “Exhausted in – whatever city starts with an E. England. Or you could do Tired in Tucson. Got it? I won’t make you submit again, though, but that’s how it’s supposed to work.
So, three girlfriends, huh? I had to kind of chuckle when I read that. And then the chuckle kind of rolled into a big old belly laugh, that just kept rippling and getting bigger, like growing waves from a coming storm, and then I could hardly breathe and I had just had a big pizza and a Diet Coke, and soon my chuckle was almost an upchuckle! But I swallowed it back just in time and breathed and went to my happy place and the storm waves turned to a soft and calm belly again, with a touch of button fuzz.
Anyway, it was just so funny to me partly cuz of the JD I topped off the bottles of Diet Coke with, but also because if I had a nickel for each time I had THAT problem, I would not have to be collecting unemployment checks right now. Anyway, the way I see it is that you got three choices, give or take a couple.
What I always did when I was juggling three women (not literally of course- I couldn’t even juggle three little baby kittens! Practice does NOT always make perfect.), anyway, what I did was what they call the day-divvy method. That’s when you divvy them up on different days, and tell each one you want to take it slow so you just want to see them two days a week. (the seventh day, He rested. And watched some football!) Now that worked well for me, but then again it was a little different. I mean, I had to be careful about not adding up too many hours with my women, even with their discounts. Your case may be a little different, although all women cost you, so why not just pay up front, I always say. When no one is listening.
The second choice would be to ask yourself, if I were stranded all alone for 30 years on a desert island, which one of those girls would I most want for another guy to NEVER do the squirming worm with? Which of the three would you almost rather keep locked up in your basement than have her be invaded by another man’s microtroops? (I said ALMOST- don’t raise a hissy fit. I’m not saying you WOULD keep her locked up in your basement- that would be crazy. And impractical for a number of reasons you wouldn’t anticipate - I’m just saying that a part of you would rather do that than have her take repeated hits from an enemy torpedo.
You gotta always include all the parts of you. You cram a messed up part of you into the basement, it just grows. But if you give that part attention, and feed it and nurture it, then it can really finally start to grow. Well, that doesn’t quite make sense yet—either way it grows… I gotta check my “Heal Your Psychosis Naturally” ebook again, but I think you get the point I’m trying to make. It’s that that’s the woman you should definitely give up first, or else she’ll drive you crazy, and next thing you know you wake up 3 years later and you realize you’ve been secretly living in her basement, with hidden cameras all over her house, watching. Just watching. And when you realize that’s what you’ve been doing, you kind of freak out, which could even make you get laid off of your job at the plant. I’ve heard. Trust me, you do NOT want to get to that point. So lose her NOW!
And finally, the most important thing you should do, the best advice I can give you in this situation is this. It might sound strange, but- Hey- What the hell? Damn it! I don’t get it. Sorry- but just a little side track here- I just bought cherries for the first time. I’m mostly a plum man, sometimes a peach man. Definitely a fruit man. But somehow I never tired cherries. Call me strange. Go ahead, I’ll wait… So I finally bought some cherries the other day, and I just got a bowl of them (They don’t seem like life to me) and I just this minute tried my first one, just popped it right into my mouth, and you know what it tasted like? Cherry? NO! It tasted like a smaller, more sour plum with a touch of cherry flavoring. And it had a big old annoying seed that can really knock your teeth out of place if aren’t expecting it.
NOTHING like cherry life savers or cherry coolaid or cherry diet coke and JD, or anything else that taste like cherry. Cherries don’t taste like cherries! How the hell is that possible? Then what the hell was cherry flavoring based on? Is there a fruit out there somewhere that tastes like cherry flavoring? If there is, I want to try it. But trust me you plumsuckers out there- cherries ain’t it. Man, That was a disappointment and a half right there! Reminds me of that time I dreamed of Sarah Davidson for months, and finally, at a friend’s party I slipped into, we made sweet sweet love for a few minutes in the coat bedroom, and it wasn’t even that sweet. I mean, sure she was pretty near passed out, but you would expect at least SOME passion wouldn’t you? It was almost like she didn’t know or care who I was till the next morning, when her boyfriend stopped by for a little chat. But I was so high from my conquest, lame as it was, he never could knock that toothless grin off my face.
So that’s how I feel about cherries now. Just like her. Like they are almost passed out when I’m eating them. Overrated, undertasted. They’d be better if they were basted. (I’m throwing in a little poem now and then to develop my literaturistic creativity). Alright, well, I better wrap it up. I guess to some it all up, if you never have tasted a cherry, they don’t taste anything like cherry. More like a sour plum. You might even want to sprinkle some sugar or drip some honey on your first cherry before you taste it, just so you aren’t shocked by the taste. And also, if you are going to get your coat and there’s a beautiful girl laying there, more then a little tipsy, and she says “Is that you Mark”, and your name isn’t Mark, but the name of the biggest player on the school football team is Mark, and you whisper “yes”, then you probably want to buy some teeth protectors at a 24 hour Walmart and just be ready to slip ‘em in when the front door flies open.
